Fights: a chance to communicate?

It happened, you fought again, probably about the usual issues: chores, budget, activities, etc.

Now you probably feel rejected, lonely, and misunderstood. Possibly your partner/s feel/s the same way, yet you aren’t able to communicate it to each other/s.

Instead of keeping your positions, this time, take a chance to benefit from what just happened (again).

There is a good chance you will keep arguing about the same issues, again and again.

Unfortunately, certain kinds of disagreements are there to stay. Instead, what you can actively change is the way you and your partner/s talk when you disagree.

Words may change reality. So what you say and how you say it makes the difference.

Words create realities and possibilities where there was only emptiness and lack of understanding.

Words change how you approach a situation, how you perceive yourself and your partner because they create context.

After a fight, if you feel overwhelmed, take your time and step back, literally take a step back, if it helps you refocus.

Stop trying to read your partner/s mind and prevent yourself from saying something dictated by your anger.

You can ask for a 10-20 min. brake. It is better to take a break than to become completely silent and refuse to deal with the issue.

Be honest and tell that you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and that you need some time to calm down.

Then come back as agreed. Now let’s talk feelings: yours and your partner/s’. The only rule is to enhance your empathy and avoid critics.

USE THE PRONOUN I as “I felt that…”, “To me this…”. Express what you felt while you were arguing, tell your perspective. Don’t assume and talk only for yourself.

LIVE ROOM TO YOUR PARTNER/S’ FEELINGS. Give time and space to your partner/s to express their feeling. Remember that you are trying to have a dialogue.

VALIDATE WARMLY EACH OTHER’S PERSPECTIVES AND EMOTIONS. You can say “I feel you have been worried/stressed out/upset”, “Seems to me that you are angry, I understand…”.

THINK TWICE. What were the prearrangements? Did you keep your word? Maybe you should acknowledge your responsibilities. Rarely there is only one person to blame.

At the end of the day, you are a team. While arguing and afterward, try to remember the love you have for each other. You don’t want to harm your beloved one/s. Disagreeing does not diminish your love.

Being aggressive and neglecting your partner/s’ feelings, instead, can destroy your love.