For pleasure to rise contexts is not irrelevant.

I am talking about circumstances such as:

  • Mental state
  • Physical state
  • Setting
  • Circumstances of life
  • Fantasy and mindset
  • Action: what to do and not to do (alone and with your partner/s)

Creating the right context may require time and thinking, yet at times it is just about little things that could trigger you or turn you off. Are you sure that your chaotic bedroom, which reminds you of the countless arguments you are having with your partner/s about chores, would be the most inspirational setting to turn you on? Maybe you could try to meet your partner/s in a neutral space, or even better a space that enhances your senses and relaxes you.

Mind your own mental and physical state. If you are hungry, tired, annoyed about something that happened earlier at work, stop and take care of your primary needs: eat, take a bath, breath in and out: let the stress go, or again release it with physical activity or even screaming if this does the job for you. Do not engage straight away in sexual activities alone or with your partner/s if something bothers you and you are not feeling it. Self-awareness is everything but obvious, we live busy lives and we forget to consider how do we feel.

Choosing suitable contexts (physically and mentally) helps to focus on the moment, on what is happening, and most of all on our senses. When something bothers you, when you are in your own head focusing on how the others perceive you, how to satisfy the other/s, you lose touch with the sensations arising from having sex. To get back in contact with your feelings and senses conscious presence (awareness of the moment being) can help you enhance what you are feeling, generating more pleasure. Mindfulness exercises can be of great help in such cases as spectatoring, anxiousness, stress, and performance anxiety.

As a bit of general advice, I will encourage you to get familiar with what you like and what you don’t like. What turns you on? Which kind of sex do you want to have and what is defenitely not your cup of tea. Think about which kind of touch gives you pleasure, where and when you are most likely to enjoy having sex, the sounds around you, the smells, the lights…

Keep track of what gives you pleasure and try to add more of these things to your life. Pleasure feeds upon itself when we are open to acknowledge it and make space for it in our life.