“Darling, you always order the same food when we go out: same appetizer, meat as a main, never a side dish and you always have vanilla ice cream as desserts…”
You probably heard this kind of comment sometimes in your life but have you ever thought the same sentence could apply to your sex habits?
Actually, the menu metaphor is suitable to describe the sexual act: maybe you are having an aperitive, you feel hungry and decide to go for dinner, on the menu, there are starters, main courses, sides, desserts, maybe drinks, coffee, etc. … Now let’s be honest, usually, many of us tend to order the same or almost the same kind of food. It is known, we know we like it, we think it will satisfy us… but will it always?
Around adulthood, our sexual habits tend to become pretty much established. This phenomenon is normal and manifests stronger in monogamous long-term relationships.
Inevitably, we bring our habits into a relationship, sometimes they work together with the partner’s habits, sometimes they don’t work or they no longer work.
This last one is an important point: we become fossilized on certain habits because what is known is usually also comfortable, forgetting that, as human beings (especially in a relationship), we continuously change hence our needs and preferences change too.
Mapping and rediscussing sex habits require dialogue and will for a change.
The requirement that sex should work naturally, now and in the future, prevents any chance of change and therefore the possibility for more enjoyable sexual experiences.
Here are some questions to help you think about your sexual habits:
How do you/your partner(s) initiate sex?
What exactly happens initiating and then going through the act?
Is there something you could change?
Could you include playful talk as an aperitive, text messages/ post-its /dirty talk?
What could you change about/add to sex?
The change can be, for example, a different place, preliminaries, approaches, underwear, sensation-games, roleplay, your attitude, tools (toys?), adding or excluding penetration (of different kinds), or again oral sex, hands job, the use of oils, candles, etc. … So to say: appetizers, main courses, sides, desserts and more!
Going back to our food metaphor, if we look at sex as a menu we can consider everything on it but we don’t need to pick every item necessarily. Also, we don’t need to discuss each point, or again we could wish for more choices according to our needs and preferences.
Change and anticipation create excitement that ignites desire.